Champagne Hercules

THIS BLOG HAS MOVED, SUCKA!

2009-12-04T10:53:00.001-08:00

Hey folks, I moved my blog, so change your RSS feeds and follow the link to the new and improved Champagne Hercules blog.

http://champagnehercules.com/blog/

i'm Sorry I Said That: 25 Examples of Bad Form in Social Situations

2009-12-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

Go Easy on the Drinks

My wife and I were married in Maui. We had 16 guests, mostly immediate family and a few close friends. It was a small, relatively tame event compared to most weddings.

After we said our vows, we snapped a few photos on the beach and headed to the reception. Our guests were making use of the open bar but no one was touching the 16 bottles of champagne we’d purchased for the event. (Yes, 16 bottles. We didn’t know any better. Don’t judge us.) Knowing that the unfinished bottles would likely be thrown out, we decided to drink as much of the champagne as possible on our own.

Drink. Dance.

Drink. Chat.

Drink. Sing.

Drink. Eat.

Drink. Dance.

Drink. Chat.

Drink.

Drink.

The combination of nerves, adrenaline, and champagne made us feel like superheroes. I'm certain our boozy state of euphoria would’ve lasted forever had my mother not whispered a single piece of advice into my ear midway through the reception.

“Eric, you need to go easy on the drinks or else you won’t be able to perform tonight.”

I stared at her in shock and disgust for a good minute before speaking up.

“I'm pretty sure you've just scarred me for the rest of my life."

“That's not true. Besides, I'm just being helpful."

Since I still shiver when thinking about this years later, I was right. She was wrong. Blech.

My wife tells my niece what my mother said in the snapshot above. My niece responded appropriately with a creeped-out frown.

I'm Sorry I Said That: 25 Examples of Bad Form in Social Situations

2009-12-02T14:36:00.000-08:00

Last summer, I worked on a show at Sony Studios in Culver City. While the studio and stages were the epitome of small town America, the creepy poorly-lit parking garage was straight out of “Rape Town, USA.” (I don’t believe “Rape Town” is an actual city, by the way. If it was, though, it’d definitely be in Alabama. Definitely. Alabama.)

One particularly late evening I found myself waiting for the elevator with three conservatively-dressed, gray-haired executives. We stood there sighing, pacing, and checking our phones before it finally arrived several minutes later. As we filed on, the oldest of the suits pressed the button for floor six and asked the rest of us for our destinations.

“Four,” said one suit.

“Me too. Four,” said the other.

I said I was on the sixth floor, along with the original suit, and we waited another minute for the doors to close and carry us away.

“If I moved this slowly at work, I’d have been replaced years ago,” Old Man Suit joked as the doors finally closed.

Gratuitous chuckles.

Suit Number Two chimed in with “I could have taken the stairs and made it there already. Jeez.”

More chuckles.

Suit Number Three upped the ante by implementing sarcasm: “Sure it’s slow but that’s the price you pay for such a clean luxurious ride.”

The gratuitous chuckles had somehow become realistic chuckles and I was on the verge of a real zinger when I got cut off by Old Man Suit.

“I’m just glad no one was going to the fifth floor. The button doesn't even light up so who knows what happens when you press it!"

I have no idea why, but the gratuitous laughs were now loud and genuine. The bar was so low it was impossible to screw this up so I stopped brainstorming and just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“Oh, that’s the button you press if you want someone to pee in your mouth. You press that one, lean in, open wide and, boom, piss everywhere!”

Previous gratuitous laughter ceased instantly.

Ding! Fourth Floor.

The doors opened and Suit Number Two and Suit Number Three bolted and left Old Man Suit and me to stand in silence together for another couple minutes. It was awful. I tried to think of something to say to ease the tension along the way, but everything I came up with seemed like it would only make things worse. So I said nothing.

Ding! Sixth floor.

Old Man Suit nearly leapt through the doors to get away from me. I felt like a leper. I had to make this right and since I didn’t have much time, I decided to just speak from the heart.

“Hey, what I said back there, about peeing in your mouth and all, I just want you to know I didn’t say that because I was gay or hitting on you. You know what I mean?"

The way he turned and glared at me told me he did not, in fact, know what I meant. So I continued, "It just seemed like we were taking turns making jokes and you cut me off, so I just said the first thing that came to mind. Peeing in people's mouths. That's funny, right?"

Again, his glare told me we disagreed.

"Anyway, I just want you to know that I didn't say that because I'm gay or anything. Cause I’m not. It was just a joke that –"

Dismissing my explanation with a look of pure disgust, he snapped, “Please stop. Just stop."

And then he turned and continued to walk to his car at the end furthest end of the lot. Coincidentally, he was parked immediately to the left of my own car. All I wanted to do was get in my own car, drive off and forget this even happened but to do that would mean I’d continue creeping out this old man so instead, I turned and walked down the parking ramp to the floor below, holding out my remote, pretending to search for a car that I knew wasn’t there.

Gratuitous creepy parking lot shot.

I Cannot Write 25 Stories Before Christmas

2009-12-01T21:14:00.001-08:00

I Cannot Write 25 Stories Before Christmas, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

This is a photo of me realizing that I cannot fulfill my promise of 25 stories a day before Christmas. Fuck. I'll be changing that shit to 12 days of stories or some shit like that puh-ronto.

I'm Sorry I Said That: 25 Examples of Bad Form in Social Situations

2009-12-01T07:28:00.000-08:00

My family is spending Christmas with us this year. As preparation for the inevitable tension and awkwardness that occurs whenever we’re near one another for any length of time, I’m revisiting past social mishaps hoping to learn something from them.

“John, Wende, and Jane Magazine”

John Reynolds was my mentor in college. When I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, professors and employers alike told me that I should talk with John Reynolds. “John works on films. John works on TV shows. John makes a living doing cool shit and also happens to be a cool guy. You should talk to John.”

I took their advice and talked to John. He was, indeed, a cool guy who made a living doing cool shit and we quickly became friends. He invited me to his home for dinner. I’d never met his wife but I knew she was pregnant and thought it was fair game to bring it up during our introduction. “Hi, I’m Eric. It’s nice to meet you. John told me you were pregnant and I thought you should know about an article I just read in Jane magazine. Apparently, women can achieve orgasms while breastfeeding if they do it a particular way.”

I am not exaggerating when I write that every creature within a five mile radius stopped to judge me at that moment. I sputtered a series of “um”s and “uh”s but I failed to deliver a proper explanation or even an apology for what I’d just said.

I asked my wife for a second opinion since she witnessed it firsthand as my date that evening.

“I don’t know what to tell you," she said. "Why you thought that was anywhere close to appropriate to bring up at all, much less to someone you’re just meeting for the first time, I mean, My God.”

“So, is there a lesson to be learned from this? This series will be better if I have an overall point."

"Seems like you have several to choose from."

"How about 'don't read women’s magazines'?”

“No, I don’t think that’s-“

“Don’t read women’s magazines if you’re a man. It will backfire and make you look foolish.”

She sighed. “Perfect.”

I have no reason to believe she was being sarcastic.

*Jessica Simpson on the cover of Jane Magazine immediately after breastfeeding a baby.

Squirrels in L.A. are Different than Squirrels in South Carolina

2009-11-29T16:20:00.001-08:00

Hipster Squirrel Goes to the Beach, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

The Coop!

2009-11-28T01:02:00.000-08:00

I felt terrible for using my wife's car to experiment with night photography before I did so with my Mini Cooper. Sorry, Coop. Here you go. I promise to get you washed properly before our next shoot. Swear.

(Music's from Mouse and the Billionaire, by the way.)

The Shirt Fairy and iPhoto Mishaps

2009-11-27T09:51:00.000-08:00

Last week I tried to peruse the pictures I've stored in my iPhoto library. There were 27,485 images. Twenty-seven thousand four hundred and eighty-five. (Read that last line aloud for proper effect. Put a lot of emphasis on the word "thousand." It's ridiculous, right?)

I take a lot of photos but there's no way I've taken twenty-seven thousand four hundred and eighty-five of them and I certainly don't have them stored on the hard drive of my laptop. There had to be duplicates and then there had to be duplicates of those duplicates and duplicates of....you get where I'm going with this, right? My photo library was a mess and I needed to tidy it up.

I bought Duplicate Annihilator and let it run all day and night. It worked well (finding 8800 duplicate files and a number of unnecessary thumbnails) but since I'd been using iPhoto's Flickr export function, it also deleted nearly 180 files from my Flickr account online. Not cool.

There is a bright side, though. While searching for the missing Flickr pics, I'm finding a lot of snapshots from moments I'd simply forgotten about over the years. For instance, the Shirt Fairy and her Magical American Express card:

"Hello, Savages!"

2009-11-26T21:59:00.000-08:00

Kids reenact the first Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Franks Family

2009-11-26T19:23:00.001-08:00

This trio of pics represented the family dynamic at my friends' house pretty well.

From left to right: wife, husband, husband's mother, and husband's father.

Toy Trains in Switzerland

2009-11-26T08:19:00.001-08:00

Tilt-shift timelapse of Swiss trains.

gottardo nord from fb1 visuals on Vimeo.

Mighty Fine Burgers

2009-11-26T07:04:00.000-08:00

Remix is a misleading term, but I understand why no one wants to say, "Hey listen to my high-energy, dance-friendly reinterpretation of a burger joint's local commercial." I'm exhausted thinking about the number of edits in this clip.

Toddlers

2009-11-25T23:06:00.000-08:00

At the one minute mark, this man says, "Get up, suckas!"

New Moon

2009-11-24T22:45:00.001-08:00

New Moon, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

Unsuccessful night of shooting on the lot. This was the best of the evening. Ugh. (insert something hilarious here)

"This horse is here because he is fast, not because he is gay."

2009-11-24T17:53:00.000-08:00

First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday

This is, like, maddening

2009-11-24T08:32:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Kevin for pointing me to this awesome awfulness.

Ronin

2009-11-24T06:23:00.001-08:00

Holy Shit, Ronin's on Hulu as well as a ton of other movies and tv shows! All for free. Goodbye productivity.

Land Rover Stop Motion Awesomeness

2009-11-23T15:29:00.000-08:00

Land Rover's latest spot for the Freelander borrows heavily from the Wolf/Pig clip (see below) that made the rounds on youtube long ago. Sweet results, regardless.

UPDATE: My snobby art-school friend just emailed me about this post with "yeah, but i think that is ripping off people who did it long before, plus probably were inspired by david hockney, no?"

And then she provided this link.

Original Inspiration:

Evian Babies

2009-11-23T15:19:00.000-08:00

Evian's dancing babies spot just broke a world record for being the most viewed online advertisement in history. Crazypants. It also broke the streak of animated baby commercials/shows/films creeping me the fuck out, but that's less important to everyone but me, I'm sure.

On a related note: There's a cool behind-the-scenes clip below. Also, I'm posting shit way past the time it is relevant.

Making of:

I Didn't Know It Was Bein' Thrown

2009-11-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

If you're like me and believe that Paula Deen symbolizes everything awful about the South, please enjoy this video of her being hit in the face with a giant ham.

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Fuck You, Kindle

2009-11-22T22:13:00.001-08:00

As a South Carolina Public School System alumni, I can't actually read a book without the help of my wife and/or a text to audio software program. I can appreciate a good short animated film that makes use of books as tangible objects, though. Dig it.

My Mom is on Facebook

2009-11-22T19:47:00.000-08:00

My Mother tried to friend me on Facebook recently. I didn't accept her request for an electronic friendship. Instead I sent her a link to the video below. I have not heard from her since then.

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

How Did This Make it to Production (part 2)?

2009-11-22T19:32:00.000-08:00

I actually think the Ladies' version of this product might be worse.

How Did This Make it to Production?

2009-11-21T17:19:00.000-08:00

Kara turned me on to this awesome commercial for this awful site.

Flowers Galore

2009-11-21T09:32:00.001-08:00

flower11, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

I'm happier with these macro shots of flowers than I am with the wider Griffith pics in the previous post. I can't help but think there's a connection between my ability and interest in macro pics over epic wides to other aspects of my life. I have trouble staying focused on bigger, important projects but I do just fine on the smaller stuff. Maybe these photos are a metaphor now that I've posted them sequentially? Maybe I'm thinking about this too much and I just need a new lens. Yeah. That's what it is.

Griffith Observatory

2009-11-21T09:20:00.001-08:00

Griffith Observatory, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

I took a stab at some night pics at the Griffith Observatory this week. Buildings and blurred peeps turned out alright, but I have no idea how to get these giant wide shots of the city in focus. Might be a lens issue. Thoughts?

Somewhere on earth

2009-11-21T08:47:00.001-08:00

Somewhere on earth, originally uploaded by gbatistini.

gbatistini is no slouch on the Flickr Photostream front, either.

Interlude

2009-11-21T08:43:00.001-08:00

Interlude, originally uploaded by powerpig.

Powerpig takes cool pics.

The Spitting Contest

2009-11-20T16:10:00.000-08:00

I witnessed a spitting contest at work today. Apologies for the poor video quality. My Blackberry fails at providing quality motion pictures.

Google Chrome

2009-11-20T08:06:00.000-08:00

I'm an Apple fan but Google's logic-based re-imagining of an Operating System combined with their clean and quirky web videos makes me think about switching that shit up.

No Special Effects

2009-11-20T08:01:00.000-08:00

Irritatingly catchy fake song from Jason Segel and The Swell Season.

Sailormouth History Lesson

2009-11-19T18:25:00.000-08:00

Andy Castor, editor extraordinaire and all-around quality guy, recorded himself teaching feudalism (or something) as a young boy. He lost his shit a couple minutes into the recording. Thankfully, his mother found the cassette 20 years later and his cousin animated his story and uploaded it to youtube.

The magic begins around the 2 minute mark. Give it time. It's worth it. Swear.

Busy Day at the WB

2009-11-19T17:14:00.001-08:00

TESLA!, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

TRIKE!, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

GT!, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

Wait. This is Real?

2009-11-19T10:17:00.001-08:00

Signs of Good Things to Come

2009-11-19T10:04:00.000-08:00

The first few things I saw on the interwebs this morning were:

1.) Friend providing answers to lingering questions about his childhood friend's sexuality.

2.) Documentation of a day in the life of my friend, Ed. (His sons are in their late teens, by the way):

3.) Proof that another friend's great-grandparents make inappropriate wardrobe choices for newborn babies.

It is going to be a good day.

Feed Me

2009-11-18T16:38:00.000-08:00

I kind of love this clip:

Cursed!

2009-11-18T16:35:00.001-08:00

Cursed!, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

Just came across this on the WB lot. I don't know whose bike is actually parked here. I hope it's the stolen one in question and that the curse actually worked. Bike thieves are assholes.

Sunday Night Light Painting Attempt

2009-11-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

How Do I Raise the Armrests of a Herman Miller Aeron Chair?

2009-11-15T10:39:00.001-08:00

This morning, my office chair snapped in half when I leaned back in it. Snapped...in...half.

Since I spend a lot of time at my desk, I decided to put a little more thought (and money) into the office chair's replacement.

Frederico from Craigslist sold me a barely used Herman Miller Aeron Chair for a very reasonable price and now I'm happy as one can be while sitting at a desk working on a never-ending side project.

The new chair is very comfortable, but I'm not sure how to raise or lower the armrests so I searched online. After spending a few minutes wondering why Google's autofill function would suggest either of the two highlighted phrases below...

...I found a wealth of information about the many benefits of the Aeron chair via the official Herman Miller site and multiple forums about hip, comfy office furniture.

I learned that these chairs support your back, help your posture, and allow you to pass gas without worrying that a fart cloud will be trapped in the fabric (see below).

But I did not learn how to raise or lower the armrests on this sleek, mesh, posture-helping son of a bitch. Farting freely is great and all, but I really just want to get the armrests adjusted on this thing. Anyone know how this works? Seriously, help me out.

Toy Cars Blowed Up in Slo-Mo

2009-11-15T08:36:00.000-08:00

Casio makes a digital camera that records HD in slo-mo. Apparently some kid owns one and put it to good use.

Spiderman Poops on my Mom, Gets Arrested...Eventually

2009-11-12T06:54:00.001-08:00

When I saw this article about the Hollywood Blvd. Spiderman being arrested, I couldn't help but wonder if it was the same Spiderman that took my parents' money to pose for photos as if he was shitting on my mom's head last year. My guess is "yes."
Check out other fun photos from the trip here.
My personal favorites are:
My Mom posing for a picture with the indie hip-hop artist that sold us a blank CD for $10 (instead of the groundbreaking debut he promised us).

And any of the series of photos where my wife pretends to not know us. For example:

Gun Range Pride and Shame

2009-11-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

Pride:

Shame:

The World's Most Evil Squirrel

2009-11-06T23:18:00.001-08:00

The World's Most Evil Squirrel, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

The World's Most Evil Squirrel lives in a tree in our backyard.

Suburban Noise Festival

2009-11-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

If you've ever wondered what it would sound like if you plugged your Kawai keyboard into your Vox guitar amp and used the volume on the piano as a wah-wah pedal, wonder no more. It sounds like a shit ton of noise. Awesome. Hendrix-y. Noise.

Neighbors will be calling the police at any moment. Swear.

DDR is a Game for Classy Ladies

2009-11-06T10:35:00.001-08:00

DDR is a Game for Classy Ladies, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

There's a young girl standing behind Terami and Amy. She was coaching them. I asked her how they were doing and she pointed to Terami, saying "she's alright, but this one," and then pointed to my wife, Amy, "this one's really bad."

Bee-you-tee-full

2009-11-06T08:37:00.001-08:00

Incredible timelapse below. HD doesn't seem to be working with this embed option, though, so check out his collection directly at Vimeo if you get a chance. Really amazing work. Not sure how he got that dolly shot under the tree without blurring the stars and lights. Anyone?

Timescapes Timelapse: Mountain Light from Tom @ Timescapes on Vimeo.

Something Rumbled Near his Bottom!

2009-11-05T16:31:00.001-08:00

No idea what happened just before this picture was snapped, but I want this image to be displayed poster-size at my funeral.

Something Rumbled Near his Bottom!, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

Bat Fight

2009-11-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

I forgot how much I enjoyed the first minute or so of "Bat Fight." After that, Jesus Christ, does it go on forever. But the first minute or so...awesomeness.

BAT FIGHT with Will Ferrell from Will Ferrell

I see what you did...I see what you did.

2009-11-04T08:10:00.000-08:00

Jayson Belt posted about how Kermit the Frog's ruined him as a banjo player and it reminded me of one of my favorite holiday commercials: Kermit vs. Brad Paisley.

Brad Paisley has John-Mayer-syndrome, where you're an insanely good guitar player but your songs are shrug-inducing. Kermit the Frog, on the other hand, has Kermit-the-Frog syndrome, where you're an insanely good banjo player, your songs are phenomenal, but you are a frog who's chosen to date a very bossy pig. It's an even match-up is what I'm saying.

Duel with Kermit | Viral/Other | SPIKE.com

Your Car Looks like a Blind Person Designed It

2009-11-03T09:13:00.000-08:00

I saw on Mashable's Twitter feed that Volvo hired a blind artist to draw/mold/paint renderings of the new S60 and posted a charming series of mini-docs about it on their Facebook page.

It's a cool concept but, no surprise here, the artist's painting looks like a blind person made it.

(Cut to: the new S60 being revealed to look identical to the painting)

Dear Apple: Thanks for the Awesome Customer Service and the Free (and Equally Awesome) New Laptop

2009-11-01T11:49:00.001-08:00

Dear Apple -

I purchased a Macbook Pro and an AppleCare warranty 3 years ago and, while I wasn't initially convinced that an additional $350 for AppleCare was a good investment, I will never go without it again.

Like any laptop that travels with you from home to work to home again on a daily basis, it had a few small problems over the years. Because I had AppleCare, though, I was able to send it in for hassle free repair using the pre-paid Fed-Ex box you provided. Each time, it was returned to me not only fixed, but in much cleaner and in better condition than it was before I shipped it off. There was a new keyboard after one repair, there was new physical encasing after another, and there were even 2 new rubber feet on the bottom of my computer this last time I sent it in. I certainly appreciated the extra attention to detail.

As my AppleCare coverage neared expiration I sent the computer in for, what I hoped, was a final repair. It was in and out of the facility in a reasonable time, but the new battery wasn't charging correctly. I called the folks at AppleCare again, explained the problem, and after a couple of minutes the tech support representative said, "If it's okay with you, we'd like to just send you a new computer."

To make a long story only slightly shorter, I took him up on his offer, paying only $250 to custom-configure a new 15-inch Macbook Pro that would have otherwise cost me over $2000. When the computer arrived a week later, I used a Time Machine backup to seamlessly transfer the data from my previous computer to my new one and I couldn't be happier. Thank you for making a great product and for having truly great customer service.

Sincerely,

Eric B. Shanks

Apple made good on promise of laptop replacement!, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

Bad at my job...if my job involved bowling.

2009-10-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

I am the John McEnroe of amateur bowling.

And by that I mean "I have a temper and am easily frustrated when I don't bowl well."

Which is every time I bowl.

Mike Benson is a Bad Motherfucker

2009-10-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

Mike Benson is the creative mind behind Knifeshow Inc. He does not fuck around when it comes to making badass videos of people fucking around.

Knife Show Volume 2 from Mike Benson on Vimeo.

How to Find a Masculine Halloween Costume for your Effeminate Son

2009-10-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

I can't help but wonder what the casting calls are like on some of these videos from The Onion.

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

CLEARLY...A...UFO!

2009-10-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

If you're going to goof around with your camera at night, the least you can do is capture what is clearly a UFO at the 10-ish second mark of your silly stop motion clip. Clearly...a...UFO.

(I clearly didn't capture a UFO on camera)

Robot Baby

2009-10-27T07:14:00.000-07:00

Terami sent me the adorably awesome picture above. I tried finding more examples of the "give that robot a baby and watch it transform from 'holy shit!' to 'aww...'" but I got stuck on the "giant robot baby spits fire" slideshow instead.

The Simple Life

2009-10-25T10:00:00.001-07:00

The Simple Life, originally uploaded by Fanboy30.

Not sure of the full story on the chipmunk/photographer relationship but I just came across this sweet little video of one of their shoots. Check out the end result here as well as the entire series of chipmunk/toy action figures here.

Salt Water Kills Everything

2009-10-24T20:58:00.001-07:00

Telemarketer Chronicles

2009-10-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

I've overheard enough awesome telemarketing defensive maneuvers from my coworker that I finally decided to record them.

Compost Ordering Fail

2009-10-11T08:09:00.001-07:00

Compost Ordering Fail, originally uploaded by Eric B. Shanks.

Our neighbor made a mistake when ordering compost for her new garden. A dump-truck left what appears to be a ton or so of dirt on her driveway instead of the smaller, suburban garden sized mound she expected.

Sobbing and random bursts of "Jesus Fucking Christ" and "What the fuck do I do with this" can be still be heard from the house 2 days after the delivery.

...And that's how I got here.

2009-10-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

The French have fries and awesome tv promos. Win/Win.

Burning Man Timelapse

2009-10-08T07:48:00.001-07:00

Yes, "Burning Man" is for hippies and weirdos (cue booing from friends who never miss attending a "BM") but this timelapse footage from the '09 event sure does make it look purty.

Evolution (Burning Man time lapses) from Delrious on Vimeo.

Lego Band Needs Musicians

2009-10-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

Go team!

Cute Overload

2009-09-29T21:18:00.001-07:00

Space Cowboy, originally uploaded by powerpig.

Some son of a bitch made a damn fine series of action shots on Flickr. Check 'em out puh-ronto.

It was Too Late, I'd Already Seen Everything

2009-09-29T07:10:00.001-07:00

The Invention of Lying is in theaters later this week. I have loved Ricky Gervais in a non-gay way since seeing the original The Office series years ago and I'm hoping "...Lying" is as funny and clever as the concept.

On a related non-gay love note, I could watch Patrick Stewart play a self-absorbed actor/terrible writer/pervert to Gervais's naive wannabe script writer for days on end and still laugh.

Beach Party

2009-09-28T07:13:00.000-07:00

We came across "Beach Party" on AMC yesterday morning. We were looking for background noise while we ate breakfast. Instead we found one of the most entertaining movies we've seen in years.

The spontaneous singing and dancing, the beach/surfing insert shots that were clearly filmed on a set, and the casting of 40-ish year old actors as teenagers throughout the film make it something to behold. The tagline is:

An anthropologist studies the wild dating and mating habits of Malibu teenagers.

Right. Delay your plans for the next hour and a half and press play now.

Washington Post Publishing Fail

2009-09-27T09:20:00.001-07:00

The Washington Post published an article on Roman Polanski's arrest this morning. Well, eventually, they published the article. For a while only their reporters' notes and a transcript of a chat about the article were online. Screen grab below.

Get Ready for Some Brilliance

2009-09-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

I played golf today to practice for a tournament tomorrow. It did not go well. I caught a quality moment on video as a friend teed up, though. So there's that.

How else is he going to learn not to fall off that bike?

2009-09-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

Good Tip

2009-09-20T21:27:00.001-07:00

Voicemail Blues

2009-09-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

I noodled around on the guitar as I left Michael "Oz" Ozias a voicemail recently. He replied with his own noodling. I put them together and made a song and video about it.

Disclaimer: He is not dead. I just didn't have much footage/pics of him at the time.

Enjoy.

Simpsons at Mt Rushmore

2009-09-19T08:33:00.001-07:00

Simpsons at Mt Rushmore, originally uploaded by C.Keiper.

Coworker went on vacation with Marge and Homer and finally got around to posting the pics online. This one's my favorite.

Kids. Marshmallows. Reactions.

2009-09-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

Terami turned me on to this video, stating that it's how she feels after avoiding dessert for 3 weeks. It makes me want kids of my own but only so I can use them for short films and comedic experiments.

Oh, The Temptation from Steve V on Vimeo.

Outtakes and Lady Punches

2009-09-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

I slapped together the "ladypunch" and a few alternate endings to our Crunch Gym Shorts entry. Have a look and go vote for our stupid clip when you're done...or else (cue "ladypunch").

Chinchilla Revolutionaries!

2009-09-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

I do not care for Las Vegas, but I am quite fond of their latest ad campaign.

Happy Birthday Jayson

2009-09-16T15:55:00.001-07:00

Fact: Singer/songwriter/author Jayson Belt is one year older today.

Fact: The toilets at work have overflowed to Biblical Flood-like proportions.

Are they related? Could be. Listen to this crazy woman from the interwebs sing about this glorious occasion while I do some research and connect the dots. The brown dots. The brown birthday dots. The...ah, nevermind.

Bacon is Good for Me...Good for Me...G, G, Good for Me

2009-09-16T08:00:00.001-07:00

Wow.

Things to Remember While on the Metro- Vol. 2

2009-09-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

This is new. This is a new thing I learned tonight. Apparently, if you're a late teen couple, it's a requirement to make out excessively while the train is in motion. You have to break upon arrival at each stop. I'm not certain if the rule is that when the train stops, you stop but regardless, this is the case.

If you find yourself in this social display, feel free to help your partner feel the benefit of cleaner skin by popping his/her pimples while taking breathing breaks. This helps to let everyone around you know exactly how committed you are to being disgusting.

Thank you.

Jayson Belt
September 15, 2009

Crunch Gym Shorts

2009-09-15T04:11:00.001-07:00

We slapped together a last minute entry for the Crunch Gym Shorts contest recently. We're in the finals and would love you forever if you threw us a vote or two or three hundred...thousand.

Our entries involves bad songs and slapstick violence. It is titled "Without a Cover." We will not split the $10,000 grand prize with you if we win, but we will invite you to the party we'll throw using the funds. Deal? Great. Have at it!

New Coop!

2009-09-15T02:06:00.001-07:00

I don't care that there's a 20-something woman driving it, the new Mini Roadster Convertible Concept is badass. Jalopnik has a better slideshow than anyone else, if you're interested in seeing it for yourself.

Mini pops top on Roadster concept for Frankfurt: AutoWeek Magazine

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Things to Remember While on the Metro- Vol. 1

2009-09-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

Jayson Belt recently began commuting from Long Beach to Los Angeles and back via the Metro Public Transportation System. Since a.) he is documenting his experiences on the Metro via Facebook and b.) I know how to copy, paste, and credit funny friends for their intellectual property (when I know they're within earshot and/or they subscribe to my blog), I've decided to further promote and publish his adventures here. Hopefully there will be additional volumes to this publication, but I can't make any promises. Also, I couldn't decide on a single appropriate photo to post for this series, so I'm currently running my two favorite finds from Google image searching "the metro is for crazy people" and "am I going to die if I ride the metro."

Here goes:

1.) When choosing a car to ride in, remind yourself that the Metro is, effectively, a glorified school bus. The same personalities, fear, frustrations and rules need apply. For example, don't sit in the last car. That's where the hoodlums (read bullies) sit.

2.) If you'd like to witness a fight, sit next to a man with the word "die" tatooed on his knuckles and feel like you're drinking a Tecate because of the smell of the man on your left (who also happens to be drinking a Tecate) then the back car is the place for you.

3.) If you are extraordinarily frightened by any or all of these things, as close to the train engineers lap as possible is the order of the day. Incidentally, all items spoken about happened this evening. This will be consistent for each volume.

Thank you and good day.

-Jayson Belt, Monday September 14th, 2009

Quote of the Day...or Week...or Whatever: 28th Edition

2009-09-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

My wife overheard this one as she and our neighbors tried to return a lost dog.

Tween Girl: I worry about putting signs up, because what if the person who comes isn't really the owner? What if they are Asian and they eat dogs?

Tween Girl's Mom: We're Asian, and we don't eat dogs.

Lamebook

2009-09-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

Remember when I posted a screen grab of a friend's inappropriate Facebook comments a short while ago? I should have just posted it at Lamebook. I found the site thanks to Kevin Benson's link to Krazy Kathy, but then laughed so much at this and this that my wife actually kicked me because I was keeping her from sleeping.

Triumph Manufacturing "Documentary"

2009-09-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

I've wasted my life pursuing a career in television, when I should've been pursuing a career at the Triumph Motorcycle Plant instead. Osmosis, Badgers, and British Accents? Yes, please.

I Take Back What I Wrote About Poets Being Assholes

2009-09-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

Not all poets are assholes and not all poetry is pretentious silliness. I realized I'd made a mistake with my previous post when I got excited about this bit of poetry-related news earlier today.

I was wrong. I am sorry. Nipsey Russell is a genius and I can't wait for his couplets. Pre-ordering that shit right now, suckas.

Poets are Assholes

2009-09-05T15:03:00.000-07:00

Not that you need it, but this Runner's World article with U.S. Poet Laureate Kay Ryan provides proof that a.) poetry cannot be taken seriously and b.) poets are pretentious assholes.

"Consciously thinking about what I'll write is something I rarely do..."

Duh.

(I just noticed that even fake poets are jerks. See/Hear The Onion Radio clip below.)

Jayson Belt is Missing his True Calling

2009-09-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

Jayson Belt is a singing, songwriting, television-editing, father-of-two who's clearly missing his true calling as a Children's Portrait Photographer.

Check out the 4 examples below (as well as the captions) and try to convince me otherwise. I dare you.

Bloated Twitter Post

2009-09-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share some links on the interwebs, but didn't want to post 100 individual Twitter updates to accommodate them, so I'm settling on a single link-heavy blog post. Here goes:

Some Ironic Hipster added 8-bit Flames to his Toyota Prius and it looks mighty cool (from a distance).

Terami's 365 Flickr Project makes your 365 Flickr Project look like a pile of shit.

Ryan Webster has new music on iTunes and the first track's been stuck in my head for days now.

We entered a short film contest for Crunch Gym. The rules of the contest kept the content pretty tame, but we managed to get some over-the-top violence in there anyway. We're the featured short this week. Check it out and post something nice in the comments section, whydontcha?

Fan videos are rarely better than the real deal, unless your fans are insanely talented graphic designers. For example, this grizzly bear video made me poop myself.

Two Weeks - Grizzly Bear from Gabe Askew on Vimeo.

Belated Anniversary Burger

2009-08-31T20:55:00.001-07:00

Anniversary Burger, originally uploaded by ebshanks.

Months ago, I saw this post on the Flickr blog and said to my wife, "I will require these at every party I attend from now on."

She smiled, told me they looked gross, and said, "No way."

Our 6th wedding anniversary was yesterday but we had to put our dog, Katie, to sleep the prior evening and we were in no mood to celebrate. We canceled our dinner plans and stayed home and cried instead.

When I went to work today, I was very sad, very distracted, and I had to fight back tears when coworkers asked "how was your weekend." I wanted the day to end, but I also dreaded returning home out of fear of being reminded of my missing 4-legged friend.

You can imagine my surprise (and relief) when I came through the door to see a single Cheeseburger Cupcake waiting on me and my smiling wife saying, "I saw two flies doing it today. In our guestroom. It was weird."

If every bad day ended this way, there would be no bad days.

Goodnight, Katie

2009-08-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

Katie officially lost her battle with cancer last night. She was almost 10 years old. We're very grateful to the vet who came to our home when it was time for her to go. She passed away in her favorite spot in the backyard under our tree with my wife and I both holding her.

Now everything in the house reminds us of her and the shared stories about her quirks and the laughs that come with them only provide a brief respite from our sadness. Our 2-year-old Labrador, Mac, is failing miserably at his job of cheering us up, but he licked tears from my face this morning and he just tried to eat some sort of snot/tear combo that hit the ground a moment ago when my wife was between tissues. It gives me hope that he'll get better. And with some time, so will we.

I Will Never Eat Junk Food Again

2009-08-27T10:31:00.000-07:00

Apparently I hit the craft services table a little too much yesterday.

(disclaimer: I don't really work with assholes.)

Bleeps Make Everything Dirty (Part 3)

2009-08-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

"Have you ever wondered how it keeps on bending...?"

The censored Sesame Street clips just keep on coming.

I Hope You're Not Facebook Friends with Your Mom

2009-08-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

Wondering what that cute, quiet girl from high school is up to these days? Thanks to Facebook, you can see that she's busy dating douchebags and faking orgasms willy-nilly. Yes. Willy. Nilly.

If your family members are asking you to be FB friends lately and you're prone to posting things like this (it's chuckle-worthy even though it's probably fake), think twice about clicking the "accept" button. For their sake.

Ride-Along (Part 1)

2009-08-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

Earlier this summer, my wife and I attended a Wine Tasting and Charity Auction for the Pasadena Mental Health Center. Our friend works there as a therapist and sold us on the idea of drinking free wine amongst a crowd of stodgy old white people under the guise of benefiting the non-profit center.

“I don’t have to buy anything? I can just get drunk, right? For free,” I asked our friend.

“If that’s what you want, then sure. You can get drunk for free. Admission tickets are $75 each. Buy 2 and you’re good to go.”

Suckers.

We mingled about and perused the silent auction prizes when we arrived and I said to my wife and friends, “Some of this shit is pretty sweet, but I am not going to bid on any of it. I am here to drink for ‘free’ and ridicule a bunch of wealthy old white people. Please remind me of this if I make a move towards any of the auction tables.”

Roughly 15 minutes and 11 glasses of Pinot Noir later, I announced to the crowd using my outdoor voice, “My name is Eric B. Shanks. I am not rich but I am going to buy everything here just to show you up, you honkey motherfuckers!” My wife and friends kept their distance and I went on a bidding spree from there.

Among the items I “won” was a ride-along with the Pasadena Police Department. I put off scheduling the ride-along out of fear that it was a sting operation that lured criminals on the lam into the department for a quick arrest and jail-cell sodomy session.

“That’s ridiculous. Have you ever been convicted of a crime,” my wife asked when I expressed my concerns.

“I wrote a bad check for a speeding ticket in college. I had the flu when the police called to say I would be arrested if I didn’t show up for a mug shot and a faux booking of some sort. I vomited twice on the way there and misfarted and leaked flu-diarrhea in my pants right after they took my pic.”

“Please don’t ever bring that up in conversation with my Dad. And I think you’re in the clear. Call them and get your ride around the block. You’ll be fine.”

She was confident that my prize wasn’t a setup, but I still wasn’t convinced and grew more paranoid as the expiration date on the certificate approached. Aside from the “bad check booking,” I was also worried that the fuzz would discover that:

…I stuffed paper-wrapped pennies into the coin slots on parking meters in Charleston, SC every day for 6 years so I didn’t have to pay to park at school and work.

…I stole my car back from the impound lot when it was towed for blocking my neighbors driveway(s).

…The last time I tried to smoke marijuana, I coughed until I passed out and woke up in the middle of the night to eat the birthday cake Ryan Jacobson’s mother had made for him and driven 4 hours to deliver.

…I smashed rotten eggs under the driver’s seat of my stepmother’s new car after she convinced my father to kick me out of their house when I was in high school.

…I lied to my 6th grade teacher about cheating on a math test, telling her it was only a coincidence that I had come to the exact same wrong answers Jim Crowson had come to, only I did all of the work in my head whereas he did it on paper…incorrectly.

…The real reason I kept throwing up on that church retreat in middle school was because I was hungover from the MD 20/20 everyone in our cabin drank the previous night.

…I brought my own ballpoint pens and transformed our church’s hymnals into Breakdancing Snoopy flipbooks every Sunday we attended service.

…I feigned an exaggerated limp when my father would park in handicapped spaces (which was often).

…I set the clocks in our 4th grade classroom ahead one hour so that we would get out of school early. When we had to return to class because our parents hadn’t yet arrived to pick us up, I told Ms. Murray that the clocks had been moved forward “probably because God was mad at her or something.”

…I pretended to like Pink Floyd because my stepfather liked Pink Floyd.

…I lied about urinating in the sink at my dad’s apartment in North Carolina. I had not spilled Mountain Dew. My sister was taking too long in the bathroom and I needed to go.

…I intentionally took too long to learn to walk as an infant because I simply liked the low-perspective of the world.

…I didn’t lay off the carbs when I was in the womb and, as a result, my 105 pound mother had to have a C-section in order to give birth to me, her 12.5 pound baby boy.

I kept adding to the list until the week the certificate was to expire. I remembered I’d paid $100 for the Ride-Along and felt terrible about letting that money go to waste. Besides, if I’m arrested for anything on the list above, that’s just another idiotic story to post on the blog, right? So I called.

Officer: When do you want to come in?
Me: Oh, um, whatever time’s easiest for you guys. It doesn’t really matter to me. I don’t want to be a bother.
Officer: No bother at all. We’re open to whatever you want.
Me: Really? Well, when do you see the most action?
Officer: Graveyard shift. Saturday night. You want it?
Me: Ok.
Officer: Great. You’ll be with Martinez. Your shift starts at 8. See you then.

Part 2 on the way soon.

Slightly Less Gay: Exhibit B

2009-08-20T08:59:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in a previous post that there is a Mini Coopers are for Ironic Toughguys marketing campaign running now.

Exhibit B, the Cooper battling evil grocery carts, is below (and equally badass as Exhibit A).

Happiness v.3.0

2009-08-19T23:17:00.001-07:00

Happiness v.3.0, originally uploaded by ebshanks.

Mac, the puppy my wife conned me into keeping permanently last year, won me over long ago. Aside from being the only dog in the world that my 9-year-old Labrador seems to enjoy being around, his endless display of the love of all things simple in life continues to make us his biggest fans. For instance, when the 3 dog beds we own were piled onto one another during a housecleaning session, he made himself at him and didn't budge when the camera came out. He...is...awesome.

Deleting this soon

2009-08-19T22:55:00.000-07:00

I've been busy lately and have neglected ye ol' blog for the last couple weeks. I'm long overdue to post the story of my unexpectedly intense night shift with the LAPD (thanks to a ride-along...not an arrest, you pessimistic sons of bitches). I actually sat down to finish writing it now but can't find it on my computer. I did find this glorious screen capture, if that makes any difference:

Ed made good on his promise and deleted this thread moments later. Thank God I own an Apple computer and screen captures are as easy as hitting a key or two.

Jennifer Brown: Denver Post Reporter and Comedic Genius

2009-08-09T20:33:00.000-07:00

"In the evenings, Donna Munson liked to sit in front of her picture window and watch the bears amble toward her Ouray County log cabin for dinner.

The 74-year-old woman — who stocked her backyard with dog food, fruit and yogurt — was found dead outside her home Friday, being eaten by a bear."

- Jennifer Brown, DenverPost.com

The actual events in this story are tragic and would make me very sad to read about if any other person on the face of the earth wrote about it. Lucky for me, Jennifer Brown from the Denver Post wrote it and it's funny. Probably an accident, but, still...have a look.

http://www.denverpost.com/technology/ci_13023974

Bleeps Make Everything Dirty: Amended

2009-08-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

Previous example of "Bleeps Make Everything Dirty" is garbage compared to the "Sesame Street Censored" series online.

Bleeps Make Everything Dirty

2009-08-08T12:10:00.000-07:00